Blog

Primrose Hope June 28, 2018 - Primrose Hope   Recently we have been keeping a secret. After 5 devastating losses last year, we decided to keep it secret that we were going to try again. When we fell pregnant straight away (as we always do) we still kept it to ourselves. This time we were doing…
An open letter to someone suffering from mental illness June 7, 2018 - Hello,   I’ve been where you are now. I know how hard it is. I want you to know that you are not alone and it will get better.   Firstly, let me tell you again that you are not alone. I know that being trapped in your own mind,…
International Bereaved Mothers Day May 6, 2018 - Since going through recurrent miscarriage, I have had the honour of meeting (online and IRL) some wonderful people who have shared their story of infertility, loss, miscarriage, IVF, stillbirth, baby loss, child loss and mental health struggles with me. Community is a powerful thing that has offered me so much…
March Round Up April 1, 2018 - March Round Up Well it’s been a funny old month. You may have noticed I’ve blogged a lot less. At first my words got stuck and I couldn’t form what I wanted to say. Then I realised I didn’t have time for everything so continued to give myself time off.…
Mental Meltdown March 22, 2018 - A few weeks ago I published a post on Instagram stating that I wasn’t feeling very well. Suddenly, I felt dark, depressed and totally overcome by it all. Suddenly, once again, life felt too much. I wished that I didn’t exist; I hoped my life would magically end.   I…
PND and attachment  March 5, 2018 - When I was diagnosed with PND, I was devastated that I was having a negative impact on my child. I knew that I was struggling with our bond because I was stuck, alone in my misery. But I also knew that poor attachments had really bad outcomes and this made…
Peanut Butter and Jelly Cookies March 2, 2018 - After exhausting all of my parenting wizardry by 9am, and faced with a full day at home, I decided that cooking would be our next fun activity. By this point, I had been awake for 4.5 hours. We had played with play dough (which I had then scraped off the…
February Roundup February 28, 2018 - I loved writing my roundup post in January so I decided to have another go at it this month too! February has been a funny month. I have felt the best I have in a long time, but also live in a state of feeling under pressure and overwhelmed so…
ICP and me February 26, 2018 - As you know, I am raising money for ICP Support to honour the memory of the 5 babies we lost to miscarriage last year. This charity may not be an obvious choice as it is not a miscarriage charity. However, they have been such a huge support to me, I wanted…
140 minutes closer (an update) February 25, 2018 - A couple of weeks ago I had a really great (stupid? crazy?) idea. I have been working on reframing my mindset and transforming all the grief into something powerful and positive. I decided a positive way to honour the memory of all of the little lives we lost in miscarriage…
Beating overwhelm with lists and journals February 24, 2018 - Last year my life fell apart. I unravelled and it felt like my life crumbled around me. Yet here I am today, laughing and smiling and feeling like I can achieve anything. Of course, there are lots of factors that have got me here, but one of my new daily…
Guest Post Series – Parenting When You Can Barely Adult – Winging It With Harper February 21, 2018 - Parenting Through Adversity Welcome to my guest series. Posts for Parenting When You Can Barely Adult. I have asked some fellow bloggers to share their stories and activities to help create a bank of ideas for those days when you can barely adult, let alone parent. Knowing that we aren’t…
Body Positivity: the lazy person’s excuse to stay fat? February 19, 2018 - Has anyone thought that the body positivity movement is all just a lazy person’s excuse to stay fat? An unhealthy movement that encourages weight problems? A fad that is trying to normalise obesity rather than tackle it?   I have an admission to make: I have thought all of those…
The grouchy Mum February 19, 2018 - After months of being pretty distant due to depression and anxiety, I suddenly feel able to take part in life again … but it seems to have come at a cost … to my husband and daughter.   I want to do everything… I want a perfect house. I want…
Potty training without going potty February 16, 2018 - This week we decided it was time to start potty training. I braced myself for a stressful week. I have heard a lot of negative talk around potty training and I was worried about the effect it would have on my mental health. This week, my husband has been home…
Guest Post Series – Parenting Through Adversity – Craft With Cartwright February 14, 2018 - Parenting Through Adversity Welcome to my new guest series – Parenting When You Can Barely Adult. I have asked some fellow bloggers to share their stories and activities to help create a bank of ideas for those days when you can barely adult, let alone parent. Since starting my blog,…
1 step closer … February 12, 2018 - In three months time, it will be a year since we lost George. May 12th. I want to do something positive. I want to transform the pain into something beautiful. I’ve been working on ways to spread love and kindness through my guest series and giveaways on instagram. A way…
Can bloggers really make money? February 9, 2018 - This week I said that my blog is now my job. I am a blogger. But do bloggers actually make money? Is it not just big time bloggers like The Unmumsy Mum and Mother Pukka who make money? Have I totally lost my mind quitting my job …. (awkward pause).…
Guest Series – Parenting Through Adversity – Candid Katy February 7, 2018 - Parenting Through Adversity Welcome to my new guest series – Parenting Through Adversity. I have asked some fellow bloggers to share their stories and activities to help create a bank of ideas for those days when you can barely adult, let alone parent. Since starting my blog, I have been…
What do you do? February 6, 2018 - What do you do? For a long time I have happily and confidently answered this question: I am a teacher. I took great pride in my title. As soon as I earned it, it became part of my identity. Much like when I became a mother, that title became synonymous…
How do I tell my friend that miscarried that I am pregnant? February 5, 2018 - A few months after losing George, I wrote about pregnancy announcements and how they had affected me. In general, I was able to be happy for people and whilst there was a twinge of pain, I was able to focus on their happiness rather than my loss. Now that more…
Slow and Steady February 4, 2018 - Slow and Steady – I keep saying that recovery needs to be slow and steady. That it’s a journey and takes time. Trouble is, this week I totally ignored my advice and ended up having a huge panic attack last night. Here’s an update on my big news and what…
Thank you February 2, 2018 - Gratitude. I can’t think about the last few months without feeling grateful. Grateful?! I lost 5 babies and had a mental health crisis – grateful?! It may not seem like the right word to sum up how I feel. But without the help of others, I wouldn’t have made it…
January Roundup January 31, 2018 - January Roundup I haven’t done this before on the blog – largely because looking back filled me with terror! But, I am so happy that this month has seen a big shift in my mental health and with it, I am finally able to reflect back without fear. A whole…
Guest Post Series – Parenting When You Can Barely Adult January 31, 2018 - Parenting Through Adversity Welcome to my new guest series – Parenting Through Adversity. A series of posts to help you through those days when you can barely adult, let alone parent. I have asked some fellow bloggers to share their stories and activities to help create a bank of ideas…
The Birth of Boo Bear January 29, 2018 - I originally wrote this post for Mini Mummi blog. In the midst of so much loss, it was actually cathartic to write out this birth story. I loved reliving the birth of my daughter. It was magical.     The Birth of my Little Ivy My darling daughter was in…
The Common Cold January 25, 2018 - Lately, I have been all too aware of the multitude of triggers that cause my anxiety and stress to spike. When my anxiety kicks in, I am now able to calm myself down (see this post for how I am learning to reset my mood); however, it is still really…
She’s going to be OK January 24, 2018 - One if my biggest fears while suffering with mental illness, was the effect on my young daughter. Next week, I’ll be launching my series: Parenting through adversity. It’s got me thinking about how we’ve been doing and how Boo is despite my depressive episode and anxiety disorder.     Spoiler…
Mummy Isn’t Well January 22, 2018 - This post was originally published on Selfish Mother. Selfish Mother is an amazing Blogzine and a great place to go and get lost for a few hours. It’s packed full of writers – from big names to people like me, who just write as a hobby. In fact, anyone can…
Right here. Right now. January 20, 2018 - For months, I have been in a state of anxiety and depression. My mind has looked back with deep sadness and I’ve lived in those moments of trauma. Then when I have tried to shift my mindset, I’ve looked to the future and been terrified by what might or might…
Where’s my head at?! January 18, 2018 - Today I lost my keys. And my mind.   I searched the house up and down. I phoned my MIL to check if Boo had snuck them into her bag. I checked in the washing machine. In the bins – the outside bins. Yuck. Time was ticking by. Twenty whole…
How long will it take to get over my miscarriage? January 14, 2018 - When I first miscarried last year, my initial concerns were practical: how long will this process take? How long should I have off work? As time went by, I became more concerns with the emotional toll miscarriage takes and the grieving process.   Annoyingly, there is no simple answer. With…
Mental Illness: my silver lining January 13, 2018 - At times over the last few months, if you had told me to look on the bright side or see the positives, you would have been blacklisted. Blocked. Cut off. When you are battling your own mind, being told to keep your chin up feels insensitive and hurtful. But as…
Life is tough. But so am I. January 8, 2018 - Today I had a brilliant day. A few people have told me today that I seem so much happier. I am. Only tonight, I’ve spent the last hour crying. Because life won’t throw me a break.   If you have been following our journey through miscarriage, you will know that…
Chemical Pregnancy. Feeling cheated January 8, 2018 - Chemical pregnancy – or more accurately – early miscarriage – leaves you feeling cheated. Just as the joy sets in that you are pregnant it is ripped away. It is over before it ever really began. That is why some doctors say that the test was a false positive. They…
Recovery from depression: the importance of leaving the house January 7, 2018 - Some time ago, I wrote about that importance of leaving the house when you have depression or anxiety. I strongly believe that fresh air or a change of scenery can help boost your mood. I totally stand by that advice but I didn’t always follow it myself …   When…
Perspective and reflections January 5, 2018 - Are you ever guilty of thinking you aren’t good enough? Maybe you aren’t coping as well as you should or aren’t getting over something as quickly as you should? Your emotions are over the top? Not enough? You should be doing better?   That’s basically how I felt all of…
I sound like a broken record January 4, 2018 - There are certain things that I have said a lot lately. I know this because M tells me. One thing I say a lot is sorry. He hates it. He thinks I am apologising for the baby dying. Again. But I’m not – I can’t apologise for that. I am…
I resolve to stay the same December 30, 2017 - In December, I decided to write a positive post every day to help me focus on gratitude. As we got closer to George’s due date, the power needed to be grateful became so great that I lost all will and energy to post. And I haven’t been able to write…
All the small things December 17, 2017 - This advent, I pledged to post something positive each day in a bid to try and cope with the sadness we feel as we approach George’s due date. In fact, I’ve been trying to hunt for happy moments for a while as a way to help me cope with a…
What are your Christmas traditions? December 13, 2017 - One of the best parts of Christmas is the traditions and making of new ones. M’s family always meets on Boxing Day for a massive cooked breakfast (served nearer lunch time). My family tend to meet on Christmas Eve so that all of the family can be together as Christmas…
Finding my voice when I needed it most. December 12, 2017 - I started this blog 2 weeks after we lost George. Missing him made me feel so alone. I felt marooned, abandoned, lost. My sense of self vanished. My sense of worth diminished. If I thought my post baby identity crisis was bad, the total loss of my identity was shattering…
Signs of miscarriage December 11, 2017 -   Many times I have searched Google with ‘Symptoms of Miscarriage’. However, despite my frantic web searches, I have never seen the symptom I experience mentioned. Maybe it is a symptom of pregnancy and miscarriage that is hard to quantify. With each pregnancy I’ve lost, I’ve always known it was…
Vegetable printing December 11, 2017 - For a long time we have been painting with hands and feet. We’ve hand fun making cards with handprints, footprints and fingerprints. However, Boo is now at an age that she likes to assert her control and she isn’t enjoying this kind of painting at the moment. We have tried…
Home Comforts December 10, 2017 - Sometimes I feel guilty that I love being at home – I feel like I should get out and about more. But over the last year I have become more and more of a homebody. Home is a place of comfort and security. And we all love it.   Today…
Reasons I’m happy to be mildly hungover December 9, 2017 - This week, my Christmas spirit became derailed and I’ve given in to the endless tears. I cancelled a much anticipated trip to London and felt that I wouldn’t be able to even fake being happy. Yesterday I had a panic attack when we tried to leave the house. I really…
Winter Wonderland Sensory Play December 8, 2017 - In our house, we have been welcoming Christmas and everything festive. This meant that even our messy play has a wintery theme. Boo has lots of little Christmas toys from last year’s advent calendar so I had the idea of making a snow scene. Earlier in autumn we used fir…
To my friends and family: thank you December 7, 2017 - So a few days ago I decided to make positive posts throughout December to help keep me focused on gratitude rather than loss. The first couple of days went well then the uncontrollable tears took over and I have been finding it hard to find real happiness. I have been…
Christmas Cookies December 6, 2017 - I don’t need to remind you, but things I make rarely turn out as pretty as I plan them in my head. These cookies were meant to look so stylish but I chose fun with my toddler over beautiful photos and I think you should too. Because Christmas to me…
Today I am grateful for tears December 5, 2017 - Today’s positive post doesn’t seem that’s positive. But it’s sometbing I am incredibly grateful for. I was prompted to write this after meeting a lovely friend yesterday. She lent me her copy of Saying Goodbye and a beautiful pin. I cried, of course. But I also also felt better for…
Decorating the Christmas Tree – #perfectornamentplacementdisorder December 4, 2017 - My name is The Muddled Mum and I have P.O.P.D.: Perfect Ornament Placement Disorder. This year’s marks my 5th year in recovery. I am learning to embrace chaotic placement more each year especially now that my daughter wants to join in.   A little background info: I very much like…
A month filled with all the good things December 3, 2017 - As you probably know, we have decided to take a break from TTC this month so that we can end 2017 on a high. It’s been a tough few months and we are wanting to refocus our energy on the things that bring us happiness. As such, I’ve decided to…
Stuck in indecision December 1, 2017 - For some, anxiety can make them manic so they are constantly busy. This is how I am when my anxiety is not too bad. But when my anxiety really ramps up, I become the opposite: frozen. My thoughts are racing round and round in my head but I become so…
Small Business Directory November 29, 2017 - As you may be aware, I love supporting small business where possible. You can see my gift guides for toddler toys, books, for her or for him to see individual products. I spend hours trawling through sites hunting for new brands that I want to support. However, being a mother, my…
Milestones of miscarriage: the due date approaches November 28, 2017 - All I want for Christmas … is my baby. My George. He was due on Christmas Day.   I haven’t written a milestones of miscarriage post for a while because truth be told, we have just been plodding along. There haven’t been any big milestones that have come up. And…
Coping with recurrent loss November 27, 2017 - When one miscarriage follows another, the feelings surrounding miscarriage become more complex. In addition to feelings of loss and grief, there starts to be concerns that there is something medically amiss. The process is relentless and draining. Here is how I’ve been coping (although it feels more like surviving that…
It’s OK to not be OK November 26, 2017 - Lately I have cried. A lot. And it’s totally OK.   Since Losing George, we have been in a fog. Clouded by sadness, confusion, loss and despair. I think coping with one miscarriage would have been really hard on us. We would have muddled along and felt pain and loss…
Left Over Puff Pastry Cheese Straws November 24, 2017 - Ugly Cheese Straws – They’re Not Pretty But They’re Tasty A while ago I posted about some little pies that Boo and I made using ready rolled puff pastry. There were lots of off cuts from the pastry and I HATE waste so we made these dinky little cheese straws.…
Shop Small This Christmas: For Him November 23, 2017 - I’ve pledged to shop small this Christmas. You can find out more about why I am trying to support small business here. Having already looked at guides for toddler toys, children’s books, gifts for her, I’m finally looking at gifts for him. I’m not gonna lie, I am rubbish at buying…
Great lesser known children's books every young child should read. Shop Small This Christmas: Children’s books November 22, 2017 - Shop Small This Christmas: Children’s Books This Christmas, I have pledged to shop small where possible. You can see my guides for toddler toys, gifts for him and gifts for her for inspiration for the family. Strictly speaking, not all of the books in this guide come from small businesses.…
Shop Small This Christmas: For Her November 21, 2017 - Why shop small? This year I have committed to shop small where possible – and by that I mean I want to support small businesses. If you are wondering why you should support small businesses – just type it in to Google and you will find thousand of articles eloquently…
Chemical pregnancy: when you stumble at the first hurdle November 20, 2017 - I’ve read a lot about chemical pregnancy lately. I hear a lot of ‘you shouldn’t test because what you don’t know won’t hurt you’. Or ‘chemical pregnancy is so common; it’s no big deal’. The clincher ‘you just make yourself stressed by testing and everyone knows stress can cause miscarriage’…
Round 4. Pre conception November 18, 2017 - I wrote this after our third loss – the second chemical pregnancy. We decided to keep trying despite the losses weighing heavily on us. This month also resulted in a chemical pregnancy.    Something has changed in my attitude to trying for a baby. I don’t usually worry that we…
Rainbow room  November 17, 2017 - When Boo was a baby, she had a lovely woodland nursery. I absolutely loved sourcing lovely little details for her room and was able to feed my fox obsession to my heart’s content! Although the room would suit a toddler too, I wanted to update Boo’s room so that it…
How recurrent loss feels November 16, 2017 - Well I’ve reread this post over and over and can’t  make it flow. I think it’s a representation of how I’m feeling. Nothing fits. Nothing works. So here are my jumbled thoughts on recurrent loss.   This experience has changed me. I am not the same. Each loss has dulled…
Tonight my daughter was a reflection of my strengths as a parent November 13, 2017 - I try not to cry in front of Boo. She’s so young but very perceptive and I want to shield her from some of the stresses and strains of adulthood. However, sometimes, you can’t help but be real. And tonight my tears revealed a reflection of my parenting. Tonight I…
A day in the life of an anxious mind November 10, 2017 - Today I have broken my own rules. For the second day in a row, I haven’t left the house. In fact, we’ve barely left the house this week. Boo has been saying she’s wanted to stay at home and I’ve not pushed her to leave the house. But now I…
Shop Small This Christmas – Toddler Toys November 9, 2017 - This year, I have decided to shop small. For a long time, I have been a big supporter of small business. Where possible, I also try to buy local. The only problem is, shopping small (business) takes more time and effort. Delivery times are often a little longer (when you…
DIY Cards November 8, 2017 - Our adventures in homemade cards When Boo was 4 months old, we embarked on our first mission to make homemade cards. We made 50 footprint  Christmas cards. The next year we made 100. We’ve made countless birthday cards in between – some with footprints, some with handprints or fingerprints and…
Are people telling you that you should be kind to yourself? Let yourself off the hook? That you are stronger than you know? For a long time people to;d me these things and I had no idea what they were going on about. Lately, I've spent time investing in my mental wellbeing and I've finally discovered how to be kind to myself. 7 ways to be kind to yourself November 6, 2017 - How to be kind to yourself People are always telling me that I am too hard on myself. That I am stronger than I know. That I should be kind to myself. And for the longest time, I haven’t had a clue what they mean. I don’t feel strong. I…
Be kind, always November 5, 2017 - Yesterday something new happened – someone took offence to something I posted and told me about it. They offered a perspective I hadn’t considered. I’m not hurt by what they said – in fact I think they tried to be considerate in their word choice – but the incident has…
TTC after loss is very stressful. This journal documents my latest TWW which lead to a BFP but sadly ended in early miscarriage. This details signs and symptoms of pregnancy and miscarriage and chemical pregnancy. TTC after loss: 4DPO November 3, 2017 - The last time I fell pregnant, I decided to write blog posts but not publish them just in case we miscaried and I needed time to process it. I’ve decided to publish those posts so you can see what a painful and testing journey it is trying for a baby…
1000 paper cranes November 3, 2017 - When we planned our wedding, I had the idea of folding 1000 paper cranes to decorate behind the top table. I also had 1000 other ideas of crafts to do and inevitably ran out of time. However, I had already purchased the supplies and I wanted my wish: my long…
Reindeer Cookies November 1, 2017 - Christmas is coming! So it’s time to loosen the (already loosened) belt and get ready for the annual eating fest. Reindeer Cookies 250g Peanut Butter 200g Castor sugar 1 egg To kick start the eating frenzy, here are some totally adorable reindeer cookies. The recipe is super simple – so…
Recovery isn’t linear October 30, 2017 - Recovery isn’t linear. You’ll have to bear with me on this one … I may love maths a little too much. Don’t worry, there’s pictures. Exponential Recovery When I think about getting better and feeling more like my normal self, I think of recovery as exponential. In that, I still…
My fave Mama Merch October 29, 2017 - My obsession with Mama Merch was ignited shortly after having Boo when I saw a Selfish Mother ad on Facebook for their famous ‘Mother’ T-Shirt. I coveted that t-shirt from the moment I laid eyes on it! Not only could I state my admission to the tribe I had wanted…
Grief October 29, 2017 - Grief Sometimes, just when you think you are coping, it knocks you off your feet.   Today I woke up with tears in my eyes. My heart was aching for the babies we have lost. The way I feel right now is quite simple: I feel sad. Sometimes grief has…
Pizzup#5 October 27, 2017 - Two weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend Lorna Hayward’s Pizzup event at Ben’s Canteen in London. Lorna, the mother of Pizzup, is an abolsute legend. If you have read any of Lorna’s blog, the Mumblings, you will know that she has also had to fight her own anxiety…
I want another baby October 25, 2017 - I want another baby. I think that’s pretty obvious. But I’ve been trying to play it cool. Trying to be ok with the possibility that it won’t happen. Trying to come to terms with maybe stopping trying. Accepting that when George’s due date comes around, I probably won’t be pregnant.…
Halloween Pie Bites October 25, 2017 - These fun little pie bites are perfect for a halloween party and can be easily adapted for sweet or savoury fillings. Get your children involved and make them together to help encourage them to eat some hidden vegies! Warning: you will not get picture perfect pies if you make them…
I am not a Pinterest Mum. A post about why I share our play ideas and cooking sessions. October 24, 2017 - Sometimes I go down the rabbit hole that is Pinterest and see all the wonderful ideas that I could do. Sadly, my attempts could go on one of those ‘nailed it!’ posts. I’m no good at making things look pretty. I’m no good at lighting for photos. Boo doesn’t follow…
Reasons that I wouldn’t change a thing October 22, 2017 - Life has been a tough slog lately. I’ve spent  days in bed wondering if my life was worth living. I’ve been so anxious my chest hurts and nightmares have plagued my sleep. But I wouldn’t change it. Here’s why… My babies They are intertwined with my DNA. They are part…
Reasons I still have hope October 21, 2017 - It can be scary having hope when that hope has been crushed time and time again. Here’s 8 reasons why I choose to be hopeful, despite recurrent loss.
Trying for a baby is not exactly sexy but the acronyms just make it worse. WHo thought calling sex the 'baby dance' was a good idea. BD – the most ridiculous acronym for sex. October 20, 2017 - When you start trying for a baby, it’s hard not to become slightly neurotic. I can confidently say I am not alone in this because of the swathes of online forums and communities dedicated to trying for babies. I’m sure half of Google’s searches must be from people trying for…
This pot perfectly sums up my mood today: grumpy Things I am irrationally angry about October 19, 2017 - I am irritable. There’s been a few things niggling away and I need to get it off my chest: 1. Eat well for less encouraging someone to buy cheap milk. Our dairy farmers are screwed over by big supermarkets. The programme suggested she stop buying local milk and just getting…
Don’t take my silence as weakness I used to think I was so smart.  October 18, 2017 - I grew up thinking I was smart. At school, we were constantly told we were in the top 20% of the country. We were smart. My parents told me I was clever. I got a first at uni. I got promotions and pay rises ahead of my colleagues. I was…
Foam dough  October 18, 2017 - I had hoped to make this with ingredients from our cupboard, but quickly discovered that we had no shaving foam: an essential ingredient! No surprise really given the size of my husband’s beard! A quick click, and I had some added to my shopping basket ready for our next messy…
I am in a bad mood. October 17, 2017 - I spent last night unable to sleep. Anxious. No position was comfy. Anxious. All my muscles were tense. Anxious. Thoughts racing. Anxious. Feeling oppressed by my own body and mind. There’s no escaping the prison I make for myself. Today has been a struggle. The house is a mess. Full…
Cheese and sweet corn fritters  October 16, 2017 - This recipe changes every time we make it - because Boo always eats half the ingredients or chucks things in while my back is turned! We haven’t had a bad batch yet though.
Mental health quotes - you can’t change one thing and expect everything to go back to normal. Recovery isn’t possible but it takes time, patience and effort. Sometimes, recovery takes longer than you expect. October 15, 2017 - A list of 10 things that have helped me move from mental health crisis to mental health recovery.
My George October 13, 2017 - Baby loss is a club no one wants to be part of but sadly too many of us are. I just read a post saying that miscarriage isn’t a real baby loss. I feel like I need to share this post now so all the other mums who have experienced miscarriage don’t feel like their feelings and grief are invalid. Meet my precious baby George. Loss is loss.
Anxiety medication: propranolol  October 13, 2017 - So I’ve been on beta blockers for a few weeks now to try and help with one of the physical symptoms of anxiety – a racing heart and chest pain. Here is my experience so far:  For 7 weeks over the summer, I battled constant pain in my chest. I…
Book review: Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine October 13, 2017 - I’ve always loved reading, but found I’ve made less time for it since being a Mum. Joining a book club has been a great motivation to read. Here is what I think of the #todayiprimedbookclub first book.
Choosing a Halloween outfit that can be re-purposed for winter wear. October 12, 2017 - Her outfit may have been adorable, but it was a one and done costume. This year, I’m on the look out for a Halloween costume that can be repurposed to be worn throughout winter.
Scented Putty October 11, 2017 - This quick DIY 2 ingredient scented putty recipe smells divine and feels even better!
As Christmas approached, the fog of PND started to clear. Having a new focus, helped me to find my way out of Post Natal Depression. Post Natal Depression: finding a way out  October 10, 2017 - Post Natal Depression left me feeling lost. Finding myself and having something else to focus on, helped pull me out of my black hole.
Babyccino – made by my toddler October 9, 2017 - Boo loves a babyccino but the frequent trips to coffee shops aren’t good for my waistline or wallet! I decided to see if we could make them at home together meaning it was a fun activity at a fraction of the cost. Equipment First we needed the right equipment. For…
Coping with mental illness: positive self talk October 7, 2017 - So many of us have really negative internal dialogue. Saying positive self talk out loud helps to stop that dialogue in its tracks.
Mental health recovery: Having a bad day isn’t a disaster October 6, 2017 - Today was good. I thought I’d cracked this mental wellness lark. The. Suddenly it wasn’t good. I was in a terrible state of panic and fear. The thought that I wasn’t getting better made it even worse. Then I remembered how to help myself move past the panic.
I did a fart mummy! October 6, 2017 - Maybe Mum was right when she said we should always try to use more polite vocabulary.
Mental health recovery and physical illness October 5, 2017 - The start of this journey of mental illness started when I was pregnant with Boo. When I was pregnant, I became very physically unwell which led to isolation, anxiety and eventually depression. My mental health took a knock because of my physical health. Following the birth of my daughter, I…
strong mental health recovery survivor trigger PTSD Triggers for PTSD caught me off gaurd October 4, 2017 - PTSD is an anxiety disorder that arises from trauma. It can result in flashbacks, nightmares, panic, physical symptoms of anxiety, insomnia, hyper vigilance (a feeling of always being alert and on guard), replaying and reliving a situation over and over again, amongst others. While treatment can help manage and reduce…
This sensory dough not only feels amazing to play with, it smells amazing too. The simple DIY sensory moon sand can be warmed up so is an ideal rainy day activity that will fill your home with scents of pumpkin spice. The perfect autumn activity for toddlers, preschoolers and big kids too. Pumpkin Spice Warm Cloud Dough October 3, 2017 - This sensory activity is soothing and calming. It is easy for toddlers, children, teens and adults to get lost in the relaxing play which was just what we needed after a long, wet car journey. We love autumn, but feeling cold and damp can be a rather miserable shock to…
What does mental illness look like? September 30, 2017 - Mental illness carries a real stigma. One way is that people have a clear image of what someone with mental illness looks like thanks to countless films with men in white coats restraining a wild haired patient, stripped of dignity. It’s not helpful and it’s not accurate. But even I…
Milestones of miscarriage: loneliness  September 29, 2017 - I haven’t written about miscarriage for a while. It seems like I’ve been writing about my journey through miscarriage forever but in reality it has been just over 4 months. Many of the acute emotional episodes have settled down but there is a pervasive feeling that lingers. It is ever…
sensory play messy play art crafts autumn treasures fir cones leaves acorns printing prints mark making toddler activity autumn theme activity Autumn Treasures Sensory Play September 29, 2017 - It’s  #FunFriday which means that it’s time to celebrate something that I’ve enjoyed this week. I knew as soon as we carried out this activity that it would feature on the blog. Boo and I had so much fun. The idea started on our autumn walk …   This week’s…
How to be a good mum September 28, 2017 - As a mum, I seem to be great at defining what makes a bad mum – what I mean to say is I have a lot of guilt, apologies and worries that I am not doing a good enough job. I’ve written about mum guilt before, and am well versed…
Jumping up and down in muddy puddles Coping with depression: leaving the house September 25, 2017 - When I am really low and depressed, I don’t want to leave the house. I want to curl up in a ball and hibernate in my cocoon: my bed. I feel safe there. But the trouble is, the longer I shut myself off from the world, the worse I feel.…
Entertaining toddlers when you are exhausted: a greatest hits guide for 2 year olds September 23, 2017 - Now, I do know a few 2 year olds but not that many – so this list is mainly composed of things that my 2 year old loves. So don’t blame me if you came looking for inspo and your little one hates it … but hopefully you’ll find something…
Seeing the funny side #FunFriday September 22, 2017 - So I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately. For me, being able to freely express how I am feeling has been a revelation. Not having all this stuff trapped in my head is amazing. It seriously helps. And, amazingly, it helps other people too. Sharing and talking is…
Laughing in the face of adversity September 22, 2017 -   Today’s  #FunFriday post is inspired by the hot cross mum on Instagram. She shared a card that she had been sent when she was having a tough time. It didn’t have the traditional “thinking of you” emblazoned across the front. Instead it laughed at the situation. And sometimes that’s just…
How I coped with a mental health crisis  September 21, 2017 - If you’ve been reading for a while, you will know that lately I’ve been very up and down. Well, mainly down. But I’ve been working so very hard at getting better.  I speak to my GP I take medication I’ve been referred for counselling  I exercise  I get outside I…
Coping with depression: exercise  September 19, 2017 - Yesterday morning, I woke up under a dark cloud. I mulled over the idea of staying in bed all day again. Then my thoughts turned to the things I longed to do that seemed like too much effort. I realised all the family time I’d missed out on last weekend…
Coping with depression: the importance of showering September 18, 2017 - Now for many people reading that title, they may be wondering what on the Earth I am talking about. Surely we all know the importance of showering? We are taught from infancy about keeping clean and self care. We are taught to brush our teeth twice a day. Brush our…
Miscarriage: how can I support my friend?  September 16, 2017 - I’ve had really wonderful support over the last few months and it has made a massive difference to my mood and ability to cope following 2 miscarriages. Often I have winced at the memory of things I have said and done in the past when other people went through something…
Post Natal Depression: walking and sleeping September 15, 2017 - You can read from the start here After having Boo, I was lucky to have my husband at home for the first 5 weeks. I don’t remember much of that time. At the time, it felt like the clock had slowed down but now it seems like such a blur.…
A different kind of birth story – miscarriage  September 14, 2017 - You can read from the start here I have spent a lot of time working through all the feelings associated with my miscarriages and the aftermath – how I have felt since it happened. But I’ve avoided talking about what it was like to realise I was miscarrying. I’m going…
Milestones of miscarriage: afraid to try again September 13, 2017 - You can read from the start here We’ve had time off from trying. After 2 miscarriages so close together we were advised to take a couple of months off to give my body time to heal. But as the time ticks by, I feel more and more scared at the…
Post Natal Depression: the day I stayed in bed and cried September 12, 2017 - You can read from the start here I had expected to cry on day 3. I didn’t. So when day 11 hit and I couldn’t get out of bed because I was crying non stop I was a little surprised. On day 10, we had taken our tiny little baby…
Eating my feelings September 11, 2017 - I cannot stop eating. I feel like a weeble. I must have 5 chins by now. The new medication I am taking makes me sweat constantly and feel dizzy and lightheaded. This makes walking up the stairs feel like a workout. So I’ve skipped going to the gym. You know,…
Anxiety medication September 9, 2017 - Yesterday was bad. Today was better. The chest pain I’ve had since July has moments when it seems to finally be easing. If I think about anything that makes me anxious, then the tightness and pain returns. However, there are moments throughout the day that I’m not distracted by the…
Today was a bad day. And that’s OK. September 8, 2017 - I’ve been taking new medication for a couple of days and today I woke up feeling BAD. Physically and mentally, today was a struggle. I am dizzy and fuzzy. My head is spinning and it’s an effort to do anything. And my emotions and thoughts are up and down. I…
Self care: my personal ‘to do’ list September 6, 2017 - A while ago I stopped writing lists. I’ve always loved lists but recently they had started to give me another reason to beat myself up. My lists were getting out of hand and when I didn’t complete the 50 tasks by the end of the day I felt guilty, lazy…
I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like a cat.  September 5, 2017 - When Boo was a baby, she didn’t sleep. She fought against every nap and only stayed asleep if I held her. Throughout the night she woke constantly – I remember one night she woke every 20 minutes. Every 45 minutes was quite normal. I kept thinking that she would suddenly…
Post Natal Depression: Waiting for the day three hormone drop August 30, 2017 - You can read from the start here After having Boo, I focussed on everything and anything so that I didn’t have to face the fact that the rush of love had not materialised. I focussed on breastfeeding and making sure I did it right. I focussed on folding laundry so…
Post natal depression: the birth of my daughter August 28, 2017 - For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I wanted a baby bump. I wanted to hold my newborn baby. I wanted to do everything right and love every moment. I wanted to raise a child. Boo, if you ever read this: I love you…
I am more than my anxiety August 25, 2017 - Lately, I’ve had a real battle with anxiety. Having 2 miscarriages close together has been really tough both physically and mentally. It’s one of those times that dealing with my anxiety has been harder. But it doesn’t mean that it has defined me. I’ve just had to work harder at…
Milestones of miscarriage: limbo land and facing up to feelings August 22, 2017 - You can read from the start here A preface: I have found writing this blog post really hard. I have loads of draft posts and nothing complete. This is the longest I’ve gone without posting. I have lots to say and nothing to say. My mind really is muddled. This…
A letter to my daughter  August 17, 2017 - To my darling little flower, Today I feel quite tearful. In a good way. Because you, my darling, make me so very proud. Yesterday morning, while we finished packing and sorting you pottered around eating ‘doghurt’ and pretending to be a froggy. Ribbit! Ribbit! Mummy tried rolling up your ready…
Ways I didn’t realise my life would change before having a child: holidays August 15, 2017 - I love a holiday. Whether it’s a city break, week in the sun or just a night away in the countryside – I love it! I have always thought it’s really important to get away: time away from life’s mundanity. No washing up. No laundry. Time to read books. Sunbathing.…
Is your memory an exaggerator?  August 13, 2017 - If you have anxiety, you will be very familiar with the seemingly endless cycle of replaying a stressful situation over and over again as you analyse, cringe, rationalise, repeat. This process can end up giving this memory far more gravitas than it deserves. By recalling the memory multiple times, you…
Can I order a new brain? Feeling at at the end of my rope with continued anxiety. August 9, 2017 - I’ll feel better when we … I’ll be less anxious when I … I’ll be happy when … This knot of anxiety will be gone when … Anyone else catch themselves trying to give themselves a pep talk with these phrases?  Lately I’ve been really anxious. I’m sure it is…
Milestones of miscarriage: pregnancy announcements August 8, 2017 - You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here Now, I am a big fan of being happy for other people. If someone has something good happen, I will be happy for them even if I don’t like them. It’s just good to celebrate people’s success and happiness. And…
Milestones of miscarriage: being caught off guard  August 5, 2017 - As the initial sadness and pain dissipates, life seems to return to normal. You go out. You meet friends. You drink alcohol. Then something catches your eye, something triggers a memory, and all of a sudden you realise you really aren't OK.
National breastfeeding week: a note to those of you who didn’t have the breastfeeding experience you hoped for. August 3, 2017 - I have written this post for all the mums who are feeling that old sting of guilt or sadness during breastfeeding week. #fedisbest
Fear of failure August 1, 2017 - Just because something is hard right now, doesn't mean it will always be hard. This is a lesson I learned the hard way ...
Tapping out (napping out?) July 30, 2017 - When I met my husband, I knew that very evening that he was special. He made me laugh and he challenged me intellectually. He could talk about politics and life and swore totally inappropriately for a first date.  I was totally right. Being his wife, makes me the luckiest woman…
Looking from a different point of view  July 29, 2017 - For the longest time I yearned to be a mother. I imagined pregnancy. Having a bump. Feeling life grow inside me. Holding a baby. I imagined me doing those things.  But there was more I imagined. Images of motherhood… I imagined the warm hug of a mother. I imagined baking…
Do you have a mum gang? July 26, 2017 - I thought I'd missed the boat when it came to forming my motherhood gang. The gaggle of girls that I would eat cake with while I mopped up sick with a designer muslin. Social anxiety and PND kept me indoors. But then I realised, the women I needed were right in front of me, cheering me on. And pouring the prosecco.
Quelling the rising tide of panic July 22, 2017 - Adrenaline takes a while to leave my body and leaves me feeling anxious. Today I have managed to calm the storm before it reached its fever pitch.
What it’s like to quit antidepressants cold turkey (spoiler: it’s not fun). July 19, 2017 - Quitting antidepressants cold turkey is not recommended. For a good reason. I should know; I've done it. Twice.
Anxiety fuelled decisions – or – Why I hate U2. July 18, 2017 - Anxiety fuels some pretty ridiculous decisions. This one has haunted me for years. But now I've written it down, it seems pretty funny.
We rock … like Metallica! July 17, 2017 - Sometimes, as you come through adversity, you realise some really wonderful things about yourself.
Milestones of miscarriage: taking time out July 14, 2017 - Sometimes the best way to move forward is just to stop for a while. This week we made an important decision as a family.
Milestones of miscarriage: being your own advocate July 13, 2017 - You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here When it comes to medical issues, no one wants to come across like a ‘Google doctor’.  This can make it hard to advocate for yourself when you feel like something isn’t right medically. Our NHS is WONDERFUL. But … doctors…
Milestones of miscarriage: when your past comes to haunt you July 12, 2017 - You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here. Many of you who know me in the real world, know of my history with domestic abuse. It was a long time ago now. But I still (sometimes) feel like I’m in recovery. Since leaving that abusive situation (Leaving?…
Milestones of miscarriage: when it’s over so soon July 9, 2017 - I'm saying goodbye to another baby. It's far too soon. But it hurts just the same.
Milestones of miscarriage: finding the positives July 8, 2017 - You can read more about my journey through loss here. There is a lot I have to be upset about right now. I’m going through the second miscarriage in as many months. I feel defeated. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. What hope I did have has been…
Pregnancy after loss – expecting the worst July 7, 2017 - You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here. If you have been reading my milestones of miscarriage posts,  you will know that this pregnancy has already been a roller coaster of emotion. From fear and guilt to hope and excitement. It feels like as soon as my…
Pregnancy sleep: because we all need to learn how to be sleep deprived.  July 4, 2017 - When I was pregnant with Boo, I suffered many sleep interruptions: crazy dreams; constant peeing tiny tiny amounts, heart BURN; itching caused by ICP (if you are pregnant and itching click this link); aches and pains; and just general discomfort. Sleep when you are pregnant SUCKS. You will meet some…
Anxiety: sometimes it’s the situation that needs to change, not your mental health. July 3, 2017 - In the past, when I’ve hit a bump in the road, I’ve been shaken but handled it. I’ve recovered quickly. CBT taught me lots of tricks to move my thinking on so I didn’t dwell on thoughts that weren’t healthy or useful. I have been in control of my anxiety.…
Milestones of miscarriage: letting yourself feel hope and excitement  June 30, 2017 - Today I joked about not looking forward to months of sickness. And then I realised ... I have hope! I am hopeful! And excited! So today I am choosing to embrace those feelings and fill my heart with love for this little one.
Anxiety: turning bumps in the road into Mount Everest. June 28, 2017 - When you are in a state of anxiety, it’s easy for things to seem much more significant than they actually are. I have had a week of making mountains out of molehills. I have been in a constant state of tension. I don’t want to feel like this. I now…
Milestones of miscarriage: fear, guilt and anxiety June 25, 2017 - You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here.  Today I had to finally face up to the denial I’ve been in for the last couple of days. After taking Boo swimming, I felt really rough. I had a coffee to see if that would perk me up;…
Zombie level tired: welcome to motherhood  June 24, 2017 - Being sleep deprived sucks. Big time. It does make you do some pretty funny things though ...
Milestones of miscarriage: saying goodbye when there’s no funeral  June 20, 2017 - When someone you love dies, your community gathers round you to help you say goodbye. It's a well rehearsed process to help ease the pain of letting go. But when you miscarry, and there's no funeral, saying goodbye is a lonely and confusing stage that can go on for months.
Milestones of miscarriage: when to try again? June 19, 2017 - How do you know when you are ready to try again after miscarriage. My heart and head are currently in conflict. Or is it my womb, my heart and my head?
The transition from baby to toddler – or when to start saying ‘no’.  June 17, 2017 - Raising toddlers is hard work. It brings a whole new set of challenges. I felt ready and prepared for those challenges. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the transition from parenting a baby to parenting a toddler. Of course, Now Boo is a bit older, ‘no’ is a very…
Post baby self identity crisis June 15, 2017 - Before Boo I knew who I was. I generally liked who I was and was proud of my achievements. I knew my strengths and weaknesses and was OK with them. I generally liked how I looked and was confident. Yes, I was anxious. Yes, I did panic. But, by and…
Mum guilt June 12, 2017 - Today I was feeling smug. I was thinking about how people hate Mondays – but not me! I love Mondays. I started writing a post about how I love Mondays and at that exact moment my smugness was replaced with guilt. And anxiety. And panic. And now I can’t stop…
Things I didn’t know about depression June 11, 2017 - My picture of depression was of a person who had succumb to laziness. So compassionate. Then I became depressed but I didn’t realise. I thought depression made you wear dirty clothes, get fat and never leave the house. Honestly, I didn’t really consider the emotional side of it. I just…
Milestones of miscarriage: when your period returns June 10, 2017 - These milestones are not your normal celebrated events.
Finding love online June 7, 2017 - I thought you only met oddballs online. Then I met my husband. Online.
Self censorship: the strive to be picture perfect June 6, 2017 - When I comes to social media, I go to Greta lengths to censor myself in an alarming amount of ways.
The never ending circle of anxiety June 1, 2017 - Sometimes I get stuck of the worst merry go round ever. The cycle of anxiety that won't let you get off.
What is Self Care?  May 31, 2017 - Today I decided to put me first. It feels good.
Panic! May 29, 2017 - The other day I had a panic attack. Except, I didn't.
Talk therapy May 28, 2017 - Today I woke up and decided it was time to make an assessment of things. Conclusion: action required.