This week, my Christmas spirit became derailed and I’ve given in to the endless tears. I cancelled a much anticipated trip to London and felt that I wouldn’t be able to even fake being happy. Yesterday I had a panic attack when we tried to leave the house. I really felt like throwing in the towel, crawling in to bed and saying sod off to Christmas.
Instead, I put on my big girl pants, held my husband’s hand and got in the car. Despite not feeling strong and brave, I know that my actions show otherwise and I am glad I had the courage to follow through with this weekend’s plans.
A weekend away with friends
We are currently tucked up in bed on a working farm in the middle of nowhere. The house is HUGE and gorgeous and is also housing 9 of our friends with more arriving today. There are log burners, and aga, large rooms with walk in wardrobes, a hot tub … and friendship.
We arrrived at around 7 and as Boo had slept the whole way here, we devided to go with the flow with regards to bedtime. We set up her bedroom across the hall from us. As I did it, I thought it was wishful thinking but it was worth a try!! Spoiler: it was.
At first, I hid in the kitchen cooking, too afraid to join the hubbub of noise and laughter coming from living room. Being around groups is hard for me right now. I find it overwhelming. But as people pottered out and chatted to me, and as I gulped down red wine, I started to relax. Because I am who I am, I was honest with how I feel and that helped me not worry so much about the inevitable tears (they came briefly at moments).
Boo stayed up late playing and having fun. I feel such pride when I see her around others. We have raised such a wonderful little girl. It was fun to be up late with her … until it was time for bed. She was so good getting ready, but being in a strange bed and so overtired led to heaving sobs. Eventually, after calpol, we returned to our room and Boo happily fell asleep in my arms.
This morning, I woke with a completely dead arm. It is numb. Boo hasn’t moved an inch all night and so I woke to her perfect peaceful face with gently pursed lips. I haven’t seen her sleeping for ages so I’ve been sat here for 2 hours gazing at her. My usual morning routine of waking and waiting for the anxiety to hit has been replaced with this beautiful gift.
I am bursting for the toilet. My mouth is dry. My tummy is rumbling. My head needs tea and paracetamol … but I am genuinely happy. Not fake happy. Real contented happiness.
I love my girl. We are so very lucky to have her.