When you are in a state of anxiety, it’s easy for things to seem much more significant than they actually are. I have had a week of making mountains out of molehills. I have been in a constant state of tension. I don’t want to feel like this. I now have a migraine because of it all. I’ve decided to write this post to highlight just how ridiculous some of my worries are. Laughter is the best medicine, right?
1. People emailed me
I had new 7 emails in my work email inbox. This put me in a state of panic. My conclusion was that at least one of these must be to say I am terrible at my job. Because that’s the only logical reason I could get 7 emails in one day.
None of them were to me personally. They were all end of term admin emails. Totally normal.
Felt shit for about 2 hours.
2. My phone rang
It was a withheld number. It must be someone phoning to tell me what a terrible person I am. Right? Who else could it possibly be.
It was my doctor checking up on me. Seeing if I was coping ok at the moment.
Heartbeat raised for an entire evening.
3. We ran out of rice
I had planned to cook prawn curry for dinner. It’s the last week of the month so it’s use up what you got week. I knew we had prawns in the freezer. I didn’t even consider not having rice. Because when do I ever not have rice?
But there was only a tiny amount of rice. And the broccoli was mouldy. So was all the other ‘fresh’ veg left from last week. I am a terrible housewife. A terrible wife. And mother! I can’t even feed my family! Will my husband leave me? I should be doing a better job.
Of course, I improvised and made delicious chilli and garlic prawn linguini.
Negative thoughts for about 30 minutes
4. My mum said she read my blog
I sent my mum the link. I encouraged her to read it. Sure, asking people I know in real life to read what goes on inside my brain is scary. But I want to be open and honest because it helps deal with it all. But mum was obviously upset about reading some of it. And so it’s my fault that I have upset my mum. My mother in law expressed the same sort of feeling – she doesn’t like me being so down on myself. So now I’ve upset my in laws too. Why am I such a useless daughter and daughter in law? Why can’t my brain just function normally? Why do I love swearing so much when I know mum hates it?
Truth is, being open. Being really truthful. It’s hard for me. But it’s got to be hard for people who love me to hear. That doesn’t mean they want me to shut up and bottle it all up. They just wish I didn’t feel this way.
Repetitive and anxious thoughts for 4 days
I need to say something here. These things are all ridiculous. I know that. I acknowledge that they have made me worried more than they should have. It has sucked. But for those of you who know and love me, I have also:
- Loved playing with Boo. She’s made me laugh so many times. Check out her having a little rest on our walk because panda was tired.
- Liked the way my face looks with my fringe.
- Been proud of my contributions at work.
- Loved my family and been so proud of what a strong unit we are.
- Enjoyed cleaning the kitchen.
- Made plans for Boo’s party.
- Text and messaged a number of friends.
- Met a friend.
Anxiety is a rollercoaster. I’m just trying to turn the shrinking laser on and turn Mount Everest back into a little insignificant bump.