Today I had a good day. I was productive and checked off all the tasks on my self care list. I thought that I was finally getting on top of this. I am in recovery! I feel great!
Then, out of nowhere, I was gripped by panic and anxiety. I tried to stop the feeling. I spoke calming words to myself, walked around and talked. But I felt awful. Really afraid and scared of something but I couldn’t tell you what.
The feeling was made worse by thinking that I was kidding myself about starting to get better. Don’t be ridiculous, Kate. You are clearly deranged! You won’t ever beat this! The pain in my chest gripped tighter and tighter and I found it hard to catch my breath.
God, anxiety is such a bitch. She is so cruel to me and the words she uses are vile. She makes me feel small, stupid and afraid.
I have been working really hard on banishing the voice that I gave my anxiety. I had to work extra hard today. I kept myself busy stacking the dishwasher and talked out loud to myself .
I am a good person. People love me and value me. I am worthy of their love.
I always find talking out loud gives what I am saying more authority. Once those words carry more weight than the horrible things I say about myself, I am able to take back control.
And that’s what I did today. I moved past the panic. It took 3 hours but I did it.
I am on the path to recovery but I don’t expect the path to be straight. And one bad day (or evening in this case), doesn’t need to signal the start of another crisis.