Post Natal Depression: finding a way out 

Post Natal Depression: finding a way out 

After months of feeling lost, Christmas brought a turning point in my Post Natal Depression. The days were getting cold and dark, leaving me trapped in the house, but with Christmas events filling out diary, I suddenly found myself the busiest I had been in a long time.

As Christmas approached, the fog of PND started to clear. Having a new focus, helped me to find my way out of Post Natal Depression.
As Christmas approached, I completed my course of CBT. It really helped me change the way I thought about myself. I wasn’t so hard on myself and realised that it was OK to find motherhood hard. I was also taking quite a high dose of antidepressants; I no longer felt like I was dragging myself through each minute of the day. It had taken a while to convince me that taking antidepressants was a good idea because I had a notion  that they were bad (this lead to me stopping them cold turkey further down the road). However, I needed the high dose to help me claw my way out of the black pit of depression I’d fallen in to.

I actually found myself wanting to do things. It was doing stuff, getting out and about, that really helped. We signed up to a swimming class. We went to a baby group. I met with friends. I started to work out how to do the shopping with a baby. She still napped on me and her sleep was terrible, but somehow it was OK. I was used to it. I didn’t resent her for taking so much from me. I accepted that it was just what she needed at the moment.

Post Natal Depression stops you from seeing your child for who they are. As PND started to lift I was overwhelmed with pride and love.
But the thing that really started my recovery was preparing for Christmas. Choosing presents for Boo made me start to see how much I loved her. I was so excited and wanted to buy her EVERYTHING. I also started to feel proud of her – she was developing so much. And she was smiling!

The second reason was having a creative outlet. That year, funds were tight so I enlisted my mother and her kiln to make everybody a tree decoration as a present. We pressed Boo’s footprint onto hearts then glazed them in a festive red. Designing them was great fun! I also decided to make Christmas cards. We made 50! Poor Boo probably didn’t want to make 50 but I suddenly found something I was confident doing as a Mum. I got all set up and let Boo play with the paint. We made little footprint cards. My days were suddenly filled with activities that both of us enjoyed. I didn’t resent sitting and shaking a rattle and listening to an awful tune for the 100th time.

We also saw family a lot more. The girls of the family all met up to make wreaths. Mum and I hung out loads while we pressed them fired the decorations. My sister came with us to meet Santa. My diary was suddenly full again and I enjoyed it.

If it had been full of activities that were all baby focused, I would have gone mad. But because it was Christmas, there were naturally a lot of events that I could enjoy too. I found myself again. But not only that, I found myself as a mother. I found parts of motherhood that were enjoyable. I was less isolated and overwhelmed meaning that i found that I was coping with juggling daily life with parenthood.

We love fancy dress and this outfit was one of our favourites. Baby Claus didn't love her Christmas costume quite as much as we did.
Over the next few months, there were still days that I felt very low. There were days that I felt like a failure as a Mum. As a human, even. Recovery isn’t linear. But that first moment when you truly know that you  will get better, you have the hope and courage to fight hard until you are well again.

PPD is debilitating and leaves you in a fog unable to access love and joy. Having Christmas to focus on started to bring me out of my dark cloud and suddenly I was filled with love and pride for my daughter.

My Random Musings

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2 Comments

  1. 12/10/2017 / 09:46

    I think having children brings a whole new meaning to Christmas, or at least reminds you how you once felt about it. All that excitement that makes it hard to sleep! I’m so glad it helped to pull you out of a tough time #BloggerClubUK

  2. 12/10/2017 / 19:55

    What a brave post and i’m so glad to hear that you found a way through it by getting help, connecting with your creativity and accepting yourself for exactly where you were at. well done you, beautiful post and i’m sure a lot of other mums will relate
    all the best
    Michelle
    #BloggerClubUk

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