A couple of weeks ago I had a really great (stupid? crazy?) idea. I have been working on reframing my mindset and transforming all the grief into something powerful and positive. I decided a positive way to honour the memory of all of the little lives we lost in miscarriage last year was to set myself a challenge and raise money for ICP Support – a charity that helped me so much in my pregnancy with Boo and would have helped me again had any of my pregnancies survived.
Well… the last 2 weeks have been CHALLENGING. The challenge has been both physical and mental.
Firstly, having time out running gave me quiet time to contemplate what happened last year. To think about the miscarriages and the grief I carry. This has lead to a lot of tears. I do not think this is a bad thing – I am glad that I can face it and process the pain rather than holding on to it so tightly. However, tears are exhausting so this has left me feeling a little emotionally bruised.
Secondly, it has been a massive wake up call. And that has been a lot to get my head around. I have had to work REALLY hard on body positivity and self compassion (hence my post on #BoPo – it has been on my mind). Truth be told, I am much heavier than I have ever been. I am unfit. I feel slow and weighed down. Running HURTS. This is all new teritory for me and I do not like it. I expected to find the first couple of runs tough thenn be back in the swing of things (I know, I know), but it is still really tough. My legs really really hurt when I run. This has never happened before. So I bought new trainers. It helped a bit. Then I remembered to engage my core and use my upper body to power my run … and that helped a little. But my poor little legs are moving a lot more human right now and they are feeling the strain!
After a week, I finally gave in and accepted I wasn’t just going to be able to run like I used to. I downloaded the couch to 5k app and this week I have used it to help me start building up to longer runs. I have actually started to enjoy running and have seen progress in my stamina every day! So I am not totally demotivated. I’m just VERY aware how overweight I am and how unfit I am.
This awareness of my weight has lead to a lot of staring in the mirror. Suddenly I can really see all the pounds I have gained. I have to say IT IS OK … YOU ARE VALUABLE AND WORTHWHILE JUST AS YOU ARE … YOU ARE LOVED … THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU … and other positive affirmations to myself to force my thinking back to the positive. The capital letters are because I say it through gritted teeth and it takes real effort. I am trying really hard to shake that feeling of disgust and shame and turn it into compassion and pride. My subconcilus hasn’t got the memo though because I have nightmares about it most nights. It’s a work in progress.
It’s not all bad …
However, before I put off anyone from ever fundraising or running, it is not all bad. In fact, despite the challenges there are a ton of positives:
- I have more energy.
- It makes me smile when I have muscle ache.
- Running lifts my mood.
- My house is tidier because I have more energy in the evenings.
- I have lost 8lbs.
- Making progress makes me buzz.
- I feel like the old me. But better.
- I laugh more.
- People have sponsored me and that AMAZES me and fills me with joy! I am doing something good with all this pain!
- I feel a little fitter.
- I am excited about the next three months rather than dreading the anniversary.
- I got to buy new shoes.
- I am incredibly proud of myself.
- Boo loves running and keeps asking to run – I’ve always wanted to introduce more physical activities so this is great!
- I am less angry (my temper was starting to get out of control).
- My day to day resting state is more calm and content.
- Anxiety attacks don’t last so long.
So many wonderful reasons to keep going. Raising money for a charity that is leading the way in research to reduce still birth due to ICP fills me with joy. When I was urgently called to the hospital and told that I had an increased risk of stillbirth now, ICP support provided me with facts, research, comfort, a shoulder, reassurance and advice. Unfortunately, not all hospitals know much about ICP so having this charity is vitally important for so many women and their families. Not only that, the charity works with consultants so they have the most up to date medical knowledge on the condition. I cannot sing their praises highly enough. But all that amazing work costs a lot of money and you can find out why they need your support on Jenny, the founder’s, blog.
Help make a difference
If you want to help me in my mission to raise money for them, or you just want to be one of my cheerleaders text MDLD99 £1 (or £2, £3, £5 or £10) to 70070. Alternatively you can donate via my JustGiving Page.
Thank you! And I’ll be be back next week to let you know how I’m doing. 140 minutes down, 860 to go! If you haven’t already, you can check out my daily progress on my instagram where videos of all my runs and their comedy trips and falls are saved.