I started this blog 2 weeks after we lost George. Missing him made me feel so alone. I felt marooned, abandoned, lost. My sense of self vanished. My sense of worth diminished. If I thought my post baby identity crisis was bad, the total loss of my identity was shattering after entering the vast seas of grief. With each subsequent loss, I’ve felt hope ebb away and withdrawn from reality as I once knew it.
If it wasn’t for this blog, I think I would be struggling a lot more right now – and that scares me. Of course, Boo and M are the rock that I cling on to in these stormy waters. They keep me safe and even lift my spirits when I feel consumed by sadness. I hate to think what recurrent loss feels like for someone who doesn’t yet have a child. If you are reading this, and that is you, you are so brave and courageous. Keep looking forward.
In the quiet moments of the day, when Boo is sleeping and M is busy working, it is this blog that has helped me navigate through some gruelling emotions. It has helped me retain some of who I am. Knowing that my words help others in their lonely grief, mental health battles and parenting woes is a boost to my self worth. I often feel totally useless at the moment and knowing I am still serving some purpose is a great comfort. This blog has tethered me to recovery and hope; it has stopped me drifting off into an even darker depression. It’s helped me to process what we are going through but also helped me to reform my identity. My identity is new – just as it was when I first became a Mum. I can’t change or forget what has happened. The new me has strength and courage that is born out of sadness. The new me has kindness and understanding from knowing that all people have their story. The new me is still forming. This blog is helping me find my way.
So imagine how amazing it is when other people value my words: my voice. Over the last week or so my blog has been featured on other platforms. I’ve even had the BBC contact me to use some of my content. At a time when I am feeling crushed as we approach George’s due date, this has been a huge boost to me. The place that is my sanctuary is valued by others! The place that has helped me navigate my way through loss, grief, depression and anxiety resonates with others. My ideas and words matter. I matter.
Where can you find me:
Read Boo’s birth story in this guest post. Writing out this beautiful moment has given me great strength each time we’ve faced trying again. Thank you Romina for featuring my story.
One of Each and Thimble and Twig featured my Reindeer Cookies post as their weekly favourite #littlemakes post. Glad you enjoyed them and please show me photos if you have a go at making them! If you are a teacher or a parent in need of some Christmassy craft inspiration, there are lots of posts to get the creative juices flowing over on their weekly linky.
Mommy and Rory and From Tum to Mum featured one of my shots from Instagram on their blog. The picture shows how I’ve been trying to persuade my picky eater to have some lunch! This is a lovely little community for finding pictures to brighten your day. It is really lovely to be chosen as their favourite – thank you.
After featuring ‘She’s Not Good For a Girl, She’s Just Good’ in my Christmas Book Gift Guide, I finally bought the book I had heard so many good things about. This book really is brilliant – even better than I was expecting. I was so chuffed when Suzanne, the author featured my comments on her instagram! Lovely to know my voice counts. Thank you!
And to top it all off, and the reason I have chosen to post all this today, is the lovely Golly Gumdrops. I had mentioned her lovely necklaces in my Christmas Gift Guide For Her and bought something from her as a gift. Writing those guides was such a lovely and fun distraction – yet another way my blog helps me. I didn’t ask for handouts or a fee -i did it because it’s a cause I am pain passiobate about. So imagine how touched I am that Lucy AKA Golly Gumdrops sent a gift just for me. It arrived in the post today and made me smile from ear to ear. Thank you for being my happy moment today Lucy, it means so much that you sent me this as a gift x