So a few days ago I decided to make positive posts throughout December to help keep me focused on gratitude rather than loss. The first couple of days went well then the uncontrollable tears took over and I have been finding it hard to find real happiness. I have been feeling really low.
So today I thought I would just skip posting. But the whole point of my plan was to help me through this tricky month so I had a good think about what has really helped me through these last few dark days. It’s easy: my family and friends.
I’ve seen a few friends this week and have been so grateful for their company and their understanding and hugs when I have inevitably cried. Being around people who let you cry is a massive relief. I am all too aware that I am becoming a joy vacuum but I need support more than ever at the moment. There are a couple of really close friends I haven’t seen in a while who I really miss but I have become a bit agrophobic – I find it hard to venture far from home unless I have M by my side. I feel so guilty for not seeing them and I know being around them would lift my spirits. My friends have been so wonderful through these last few months. I am so grateful that they continue to contact me despite my infrequent replies, cancelled plans and lack of meet ups.
As well as being really boosted by some wonderful friends this week, I have also heavily relied on family. I’ve FaceTimed my Mum and sobbed. I miss her (she lives abroad) but I am so grateful for FaceTime. It means we regularly talk and knowing she is right there to comfort me when it all feels too much helps. My family are all spread out across the globe but I hear from one or all of them at least once a day. This brings a closeness that is a huge comfort. I love my family so very much.
On Wednesday, I was meant to go to London for Chrizzup to meet up with lots of new friends. But I woke up and just could not face it. The thought of being trapped on a train with my thoughts was too much. The thought of meeting so many of the wonderful people I’ve got to know through Instagram while my body resembles a Christmas pudding and my face is puffy from tears made me feel ashamed and not lifted up. Knowing I was going to be the one crying in the corner while everyone had fun was just such a horrible thought. I don’t want to be that person so I decided the best thing would be for me to stay home. I feel so sad that I didn’t get to spend time with so many friends at Chrizzup; I wish I wasnt so swamped by anxiety. But the fact that so many messaged me was the biggest virtual hug and made up for not being able to make it for a real hug.
As I was meant to be away and M had a late night at work, Boo was staying with in laws. I turned up with no bags and instead tearfully explained that I couldn’t go to London and asked if we could spend the day together instead. We went to Toys R Us with Boo and picked out some Christmas presents. We had dinner together and I drank a lot of red wine. M’s parents are so very wonderful and they really saved me from myself yesterday. I am so glad that I have such wonderful in laws. I’m so lucky to be able to turn up on their doorstep and and ask for help.
So so this week hasn’t exactly been brimming with joy – but thanks to my amazing friends and family – I’ve made it through and felt supported. As much as I want this month to be all about fun, I realise that it’s OK if it isn’t. I’ll just keep trying to look for those happy moments.