After months of being pretty distant due to depression and anxiety, I suddenly feel able to take part in life again … but it seems to have come at a cost … to my husband and daughter.
I want to do everything…
I want a perfect house.
I want to grow my social media.
I want to see my friends.
I want to go out.
And so far I have been achieving those things (apart from the perfect house, it’s still a tip). But that means I am busy busy busy and attached to my phone. I’ve started putting my phone in another room and only responding to social media comments at certain times … but given that 2 of my side hustles are online, I need to be near my phone. It’s a balancing act I am not getting right yet.
We had a jam packed half term full of fun. But that meant spending more money than we had planned which in a one income household, is quite stressful. And all the fun means we are all tired.
The plans we really need to do – renovating our bedroom, sorting the house … well they come last. Meaning we are living in chaos. And that does not do any of us any good. Boo keeps saying that the house is messy. You know when your toddler says that, you have a bit of a problem!!
All of this has lead to one thing: a grouchy Mum. I am grumpy. My temper is frayed and it doesn’t take much to make my tone change. You can hear the lack of patience in my voice. Not cool. I really really hate it. I hate snapping at Boo and my husband.
I know I promised to go slow and steady, but I don’t know how. I guess because I feel pressure to earn money I don’t feel like I can switch off. And I feel like I’ve missed out on so much I just want to catch up on lost time. I want to do it all.
But it is making me grumpy.
Then I feel guilty.
So then Boo gets a donut as a snack and a babyccino with sprinkles to try and assuage my guilt.
Then I feel guilty because I’m using food as a bribe which isn’t something I like doing.
Guilt. Grump. Guilt. Grouch.
Maybe this will be the week I finally find some balance and learn to live at a pace that suits us? I hope so!!