Usually milestones refer to stages of growth or recovery. And I suppose these milestones are a sort of recovery. It doesn’t feel that way though.
I miscarried 29 days ago. I started my period today.
My usual 28 day cycle decided that this was the month to delay by a day to give me a special birthday treat. Yep. My period came this morning. On my birthday. My baby has definitely gone. I feel empty.
My period has also given me a dodgy tummy, vomiting and a knockout headache. I wasn’t feeling excited about my birthday anyway – I’ve been distracted and not really wanting the spotlight on me – but now I’m feeling extra blue.
What do I do?
I can’t face people feeling like this. But I know I will feel dreadful if I isolate myself now.
I’m currently sat in my garden listening to birds and breeze whistle through the trees. I’ve been looking at George’s acer. I’ve not looked at it for a while – I think I’ve been avoiding memories of him. But it feels good to remember him today. I’m surrounded by scents of lavander and sweet pea. Boo’s horsey and sandpit toys are strewn across the floor in front of me from where she demonstrated her fantastic pouring skills earlier in the week. I’m drinking a cup of HOT earl grey tea. I’ve taken my antidepressants and paracetamol for the headache.
Today was going to be a happy day so I’ve decided not to let this shitty milestone crush me. Even if it has momentarily.
Next: When to try again?