Bittersweet. I find this hard to read. It was a day of hope. It was the one day in the month that I felt calm. I’d spent most of this month in a mood and not really wanting to try for a baby. I phoned my husband and I heard to smile creep across his face. Bittersweet.
BFP. That means Big Fat Positive. As in, I took a test and it was positive! My period isn’t due for a week. Holy cow.
I’ve tested everyday since I ovulated (I know, I know …). I’ve wanted to use up all my ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests as we are having a break from trying after this month. I don’t want them here as a reminder that we are not trying for a baby anymore. But, when the act of trying becomes miserable it’s no good for anybody. We need time of for us and our marriage. Anyway, that’s my excuse. I love the ovulation test because it sates my desire for 2 pink lines. I also love seeing the negative pregnancy test because it lets me know that all our positives in the past weren’t fake, false or imaginary. Each afternoon I’ve done the 2 tests, watched for the little pink lines on the ovulation test then walked away. Today I was putting some make up on so was in and out of the bathroom. I went over to where the tests were to grab some moisturiser and did a double take.
A line. A second pink line. Not a line I’m squinting at and holding the stick at funny angles. A line.
It’s not super dark but it’s there.
I am pregnant.
So the Austin Powers boobs I’ve had, tugging behind my belly button and thirst is real. It’s real.
I haven’t been throwing up. I’ve felt super sick but not thrown up. This is much more like it was with Boo. I’m sure the throwing up will start soon but my body is building up to it.
So from here on out I’m going to be super calm. Positive. Happy. This one is going to stick.
A little sister for Boo.
I couldn’t update the blog anymore after this. Every day I continued to test. I wanted to see the line getting darker, proving this pregnancy was going to hang around. But it didn’t. The very next day, the line had vanished. I knew then that the pregnancy would not be successful. The next day, the line returned and I had some hope. The line stuck around for a week but never got darker. And then, like all the other times we have tried since George, it was over before we even got out of the starting blocks. Another chemical pregnancy. From the moment I saw those 2 pink lines I was terrified. That’s not how I want to start a pregnancy so it is time to press pause.