This is from my journal after our 3rd loss. We were trying for our 4th pregnancy following Boo in the hopes of a sibling. I was in a really bad mood. All the time. And neither of us were really on board with trying – it has been a tough few months emotionally.
Oh for god sake. The crazy has started.
I ovulated on Wednesday. Maybe Tuesday.
Since then I have been in a FOUL mood. And there has been a sentence running on repeat in my head:
I am not pregnant.
I don’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to try. If I was, I’d only miscarry anyway.
I’ve felt sick, shattered and thirsty yesterday and today. Usually signs I am pregnant but this month I’m not convinced. I don’t trust myself anymore. And so what if I’m pregnant, I’ll just miscarry in a few days anyway. There is no point getting excited. NONE.
So, please can anyone explain why I have just found myself googling symptoms for the last half hour and letting myself think that at 2DPO that pressure in my womb, the heavy feeling is the weight of a baby?! Let the crazy TWW commence.
I actually managed to stay fairly calm this week by staying in a state of numb irritation. Must have been lovely to be around. Then something made me become really anxious and I started to worry that the anxiety would make the pregnancy fail. It is hard to worry after recurrent loss – you even worry about worrying.