Something has changed in my attitude to trying for a baby. I don’t usually worry that we will have any trouble conceiving. I fall pregnant super easily. But for some reason, this month I have convinced myself I won’t conceive. I feel like there is no point trying because it won’t happen. For the first time, I’m not excited to try.
If I’m honest, I coped with last months loss by convincing myself it didn’t happen. It was another chemical pregnancy – a pregnancy was over before it really got started. The tests were always faint – they never got darker. If I wasn’t so sensitive to hormones (and thus already throwing up), I may not have noticed the faint line. My husband wasn’t sure if he saw it when I showed him one of the tests. He did see it on the others but the one line he couldn’t see because it was so faint led me to believe that there was no line and no pregnancy. Has trying to conceive has made me so neurotic, I throw up starting 3 days after ovulation, become overwhelmingly tired and wake up from heartburn because I am so desperate to be pregnant? Believing that it was a figment of my imagination is how I have coped with the last loss. I told myself I’m crazy and I was never actually pregnant. That’s an easier pill to swallow. Because guess what, my mental health is in tatters.
And that is why my attitude to baby making has changed. I’m usually scared later on that I’m going to miscarry. This month, I’m scared we won’t even conceive. This part of the journey isn’t going to be easy anymore either. I have now convinced myself we won’t be able to get pregnant. We’ve used up our chances. My hot flushes aren’t from medication. I’m going through the early menopause. The dull ache in my pelvis is cancer. My eggs are poor quality. My womb lining isn’t too thin. I’m too fat. I’m too stressed. My mental health will prevent me getting pregnant.
I have honestly believed these things lately.
Trying for a baby really does make you lose it.
But here’s the thing: I was pregnant last month. I picked up a test from last month today and there was a line there, clear as day. Those symptoms I mentioned only show up when I almost pregnant. My husband also clearly saw lines and knows when I am pregnant – he’s experienced it enough times!
Chances are, we will conceive again this month. Maybe my attitude has also changed because I’m more and more terrified. Maybe this is all too much. Maybe it’s time to stop trying.
Gosh this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
Despite our mixed feelings, we decided we would try again this month. Both of us really struggled emotionally. We were tired and irritable. Communication dwindled. Trying for a baby became scary – terrifying. I was anxious about being anxious. The month was clouded with fear and dread that it would result in yet another loss. Sadly, the little joy we did find was short lived.