The last time I fell pregnant, I decided to write blog posts but not publish them just in case we miscaried and I needed time to process it. I’ve decided to publish those posts so you can see what a painful and testing journey it is trying for a baby after recurrent miscarriage.
Last night my body sent me a memo: I’m pregnant. Every time I’ve conceived I have known straight away. Symptoms kick in pretty quickly for me. I should be grateful. I’m not. I’m more scared than ever.
A few days ago I ovulated. I don’t temp because my body tells me very clearly in so many other ways. The last 2 months that we weren’t trying my cycle was a bit wonky. The first month I didn’t ovulate. The next month I did but really early. It’s like my body knew not to bother. I agonised over my faulty body and worried that I had broken it.
The miscarriages were my fault. My body is broken. I can’t even ovulate properly now.
Then this month, we were cleared to try again and all of a sudden my cycle was back to normal. I guess that’s why the Doctors wanted us to wait. Turns out they do know what they are talking about. Who would have thought after years of training?
I’m not broken. I was healing. I was recovering from 2 miscarriages very close together.
Anyway, after umming and ahhing over the last few months about trying again, when my ovaries fired up at the right time, I found I did have the courage.
2 days later I felt normal. I was despondent. I always know straight away that I’m pregnant. It’s freaky how in tune I am with my body. But as I have found out, I am extremely sensitive to hormones. I spoke to M and said that it didn’t work this month. I was sad. Worried. Numb.
But I was OK. And a little pleased.
Since miscarrying, a few people have mentioned hyper fertility to me. Basically, if you fall pregnant easily but keep miscarrying, it could be because your body says yes to any egg – whether it’s viable or not. Conception really is incredible. A fertilised egg still has lots of hurdles to overcome. It needs to have a uterus lining that is the right thickness, and it needs to be viable (without and catastrophic genetic abnormalities). Normally, an egg will be rejected if really specific criteria aren’t met. The body just won’t let it attach. You get your period none the wiser. If you have hyper fertility, each fertilised egg will successfully implant and start to develop. But because the conditions for a successful pregnancy haven’t necessarily been met, the pregnancy ends in miscarriage.
So why am I not grateful that I am pregnant again. Well every single time I have fallen pregnant it has been without trying or the first month of trying. But I thought that I was just lucky. But now that I am pregnant again on the first month trying, it feels more and more likely that I have hyperfertility. And if I do have hyper fertility, the chance if miscarrying is higher. We won’t know until we are further along if it is a viable pregnancy.
I know I should be grateful I fall pregnant so easily. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see negative test after negative test. But for now, I’m not grateful; I’m just really scared.