In December, I decided to write a positive post every day to help me focus on gratitude. As we got closer to George’s due date, the power needed to be grateful became so great that I lost all will and energy to post. And I haven’t been able to write a blog post since. Today I’m back to say – it’s okay. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t manage a post everyday. I don’t need to change a thing. I’m doing the best l can.
Once upon a time, Christmas and New Year meant time to party, see friends and have a lot of fun. Since becoming a Mum, that has changed … quite a bit. But I still looked forward to the festive season and made plans to see friends and go out. This year has been very different. So as I reflect back on 2017 and look forward to 2018, I have one resolution: to keep doing what I’m doing.
Lately it’s become really clear to me how unwell i have been over the last few months. The reality of losing 4 babies. The depths of depression. The racing anxiety. Life has been tough. Christmas has given me a glimpse of how far I’ve come – because I’ve been transported backwards. I do not like it here in the pit of my depression. I do not like it at all.
Christmas has been hard. We cried on Christmas morning as we marked the day George was due to arrrive. It was a relief for the day to finally be here but also very sad – in a day that leaves no time and space for sadness. The next morning I felt overwhelmed. Trying to hold it all together and be present in the moment for our daughter left me exhausted and in tears. But there was no time to stop and cry … we were off out again. In total, we had 4 really busy days and cancelled everything else. We even cancelled our New Years plans – my anxiety is at its peak and I cannot face another social situation right now.
I have never known a Christmas like this one. It has been HARD. The depression and anxiety that i had been doing so well in conquering has most definitely got the better of me.
But that’s ok. I can already feel it lifting having stayed close to home for 2 days. And it’s been an important lesson: I am doing great.
So I don’t need to feel bad that I can’t be happy about the year we’ve just had. I can’t look back and feel happy. Sure there’s plenty to be grateful for but overall this year has been awful. And when I try to think about what I can do to make next year better, I realise I can’t. It’s ok to be scared about that. I can’t make resolutions because this year I’ve done the best I can. And I will continue to do my best. No resolutions needed, I am already proud of who I am and how I’ve coped with recurrent loss.
If you feel compelled to make resolutions, I urge you to resolve to love yourself more. To be kinder to yourself and others. To know you are enough. To accept that sometimes it’s ok to not be ok.