You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here
When it comes to medical issues, no one wants to come across like a ‘Google doctor’. This can make it hard to advocate for yourself when you feel like something isn’t right medically. Our NHS is WONDERFUL. But … doctors are stretched to their limit. Their time with you is minimal and they make decisions and judgements based on experience and medical knowledge – not always on your very specific set of circumstances.
Today, I went for a scan to see why this miscarriage has been so painful. The sonographer was lovely. She asked some simple questions to establish that it was a separate pregnancy from my previous miscarriage (did you have a negative test in between). She acknowledged I was going through something hard. She told me that medically things look good but that that didn’t mean that I was suffering physically and emotionally. She told me that all miscarriages are different. Some just hurt much more than others. Basically she was a rock star. She made me fell believed and understood.
Then I went to see the doctor to go over the results of the scan. She immediately said it is likely I wasn’t pregnant and I should just treat this as my period. She said even if it was a chemical pregnancy I shouldn’t treat that like a miscarriage. I should just try to treat it like it didn’t happen.
Pretty sure even a week ago, I would have nodded then left. And sobbed the whole way home. Whilst replaying the conversation all the while berating myself for being such a FOOL. How stupid was I to think I was pregnant. I would have taken her word against my own.
But not today. Today I took my positive tests. I took the negative tests showing the previous miscarriage had cleared. Then the tests getting darker. They were there keeping me strong. The doctor carried on talking then asked to examine me. I looked at her and said no. I told her that what she said was deeply insensitive and I was not comfortable having her examine me. I explained that I knew I was pregnant because of the tests and the constant spewing. I explained that for 2 weeks I had been excited and falling in love with that baby. We had hopes and dreams for our child. We wondered what they would look like and whether they would be like Boo. They were real. She was real. She is a part of our family. I said this through tears, but I said it nonetheless. And it felt fucking great. I felt like the feisty Kate that used to be was back. I felt that finally I was staring to advocate for myself again.
This lead to a much more in depth discussion about next steps with trying again, possible reasons for miscarriage and how I can try to maximise my chances. We talked about ICP and I explained that it is not only a disease of the third trimester – my levels were already raised with George. The doctor listened. And told me that I was pregnant – she didn’t mean I wasn’t. She sees my results as positives but hadn’t looked at it from a non-medical perspective. I don’t want to be critical of this doctor. I cannot imagine the immense pressure she is under and the severe restraints she has on her time. I am just glad that today I had the courage to speak up.
I walked out feeling strong. Strong enough to get through the physical and emotional pain. We will get through this. One way or another.
Next: Taking time out